Up & Down

I wasn’t quiet sure how to start this blog post.

The internet connection we’ve been using decided not to let us on for a long, long time. It wasn’t ’til a few days ago that it started working again. It’s actually an interesting story, a friend of mine in oregon, the place I moved from, died. He was in a terrible car accident  and didn’t make it. It was very off putting. I’d say it made me very sad, but it didn’t I was on constant numb. It seemed as though it wasn’t possible. There was no way this was real.

I mean it’s not like we were super close, but he’s not just a statistic in health class, or driver’s ed. He’s someone I saw for days on end. He’s someone I met and got to know. He’s someone who I had conversations with who will simply be a memory now. It’s just something that didn’t exactly make me cry, be still put me in deep thought for many days.

But this is besides the point, the point is, my mother had opened an article in the browser window for me to read, and as I was reading it, I noticed that the little explanation point stating there was no internet access, was gone! I couldn’t believe it! So I opened a new window and opened one of my mom’s Facebook tab, and up it went! I surely did begin jumping up and down. I was so ecstatic! But  it’s been fluxing ever since it came back on. We’re constantly living in fear it’ll shut off again, among other things.

The parties never end, the people never shut up, the worries never stop mounting.

All our hopes and dreams are laying on the fact that my mom may get disability. And I hope she does, because I know if we don’t not only will she be crushed, but also we’ll be left stuck in the mud, trying to figure out what to do next.

It’s all been sort of a rush…in other news I stumbled upon an old photograph I took.I absolutely love it. It’s my finest piece. If i could truely do anything in my life, I would do photography, and art. I don’t really want to be a doctor, or a laywer…I want to paint, and take pictures…I think I’ll find me a French sponsor, haha. That would be the life, ne?

While You Were Sleeping

Well! As I said before my our old computer crashed. We were computer-less for a little over a month. For me this was truly devastating, but for mother dearest this was life altering. Without a computer it would mean all numbers would have to be looked up in the phone book. All locations would have to hand located. All bank transaction would have to be done through either the actual bank of over the phone. Ect, ect. This was awful, but not the end of the world. Then in a sad attempt to work the car, I broke it, weeks later. This was simply horrifying. But luck would not hear a word of any of this. That weekend my grandmother sent us a check, as you know, which permitted us enough money to get this computer. Which is a HUGE help. Not to mention a wonderful source of entertainment.

But the story does not end here. Well, as of right now it does. Other than that things have slowed to crawl of normalcy. I’m not particularly holding out on any Oprah saves, or anything short of a miracle. I really just want to do something spectacular to not only have money coming in, but to make my voice heard. I so sick and tired have having so many thoughts on such important and unimportant things and knowing it wouldn’t even matter if I was a genius, because I am but a grain of sand in the never-ending beach that is this world. It’s so very depressing.

But I refused to live the rest of my life unnoticed. Mark my words one day I’ll have a voice that everyone wants to listen to. It’s not even that I want the fame or money, I just want to help people…because I really do have something, at least that I feel, could help people. I feel like I could do something worth while in my life time. I want to die knowing I’ll be remembered…for just being me. And My idol right now, thanks to my best friend Geegee, is Boy George. I aspire to be like him. And I don’t mean his outlandish choice of hair, make-up, and clothes. I mean the effect he had on the world. He stayed true to himself and reached the top just doing his own thing. And that’s what I aspire to do. Unlike Lady Gaga who’s famous to being a persona. She says she was always weird, but if you look at her early work, she might as well be Norah Jones as they put it. She created Lady Gaga, she wasn’t born it. Me…I’m me, and I always will be, no amount of fame will ever change that.

She says she lives for glamor, but that impossible. She’s rich. Did you know Boy George lived in an abandon house for like years, and spent all his money on make-up, and clothes. That’s living for glamor. And i mean look, how offending of her to say her male equivalent is Boy George. He made a statement with his fame, she’s just being silly and looking for attention. Look at her in these photos. Perfectly normal…not to say I dislike her music. Just her persona. I’ll get off this subject…

The point is, we’re so caught up in what these people portray, we don’t take the time to know what’s the drive behind those appearances. There’s a million stories behind these brown eyes, but you wouldn’t know that unless you looked really close. Chances are you don’t know the pain a feel, or don’t feel on a daily basis.

And a lot of people around here don’t even care. In fact, a lot of people all over the world don’t care. That’s why my blog remains unnoticed. Well one day I’ll be noticed. I plan to make this true. There may be some dirt in my wounds but I’ll heal. I’ll show all those who doubted me, this isn’t all I’m worth…

More random photography.

In relevant news, Happy Father’s Day. RIP Papa. I’ll always love you…

Not Dead!

Well, I’m somewhat pressed for time at the moment, but I just wanted to tell you I’m not dead. I just have been MIA for a while since my old computer crashed. Fortunately my Grandmother gave me and my mother enough money to get a new cheap-y laptop. Unfortunately she refused to offer anymore of her unspent money for some unknown reason, my mother didn’t find it fit to ask. I’ll update you on all the up and downs of my never ending mess of a life.

In Retrospect…

So today I was on the phone with my friend, GeeGee, and we were discussing how her mom is on Disability, and how my mom has applied for it, we’re going to find out the out come of her application within the next few months, but she’s getting worst and worst. A few nights ago she woke me up trying to stand up to use the restroom. She couldn’t even stand up to use the restroom. But because she has no specific diagnosis, there’s a chance we won’t get the money.

What upsets me though, is that we only get survivor benefits because my dad died, and thats like $500. That’s all. excuse me, $505. Which, in the eyes of the state of California is a perfectly substantial for two people live on. Ok, I’m sorry, they do give us $27 in welfare. Which comes to a grand total of, yup, count it, $532 for two people to live on. The average apartment we looked at for two bedrooms was about I’m gonna guess $850 in a really ghetto apartment complex. I mean, sure, a one bedroom apartment prolly costs around $750, but we couldn’t even afford that. So, no, that’s not enough.

So if we don’t get disability, we’re pretty much royally screwed.  But not completely, I mean, my mom could still bust her ass trying to work. Of course she might hurt herself really bad at work which would worry me. She’s really sick, I don’t know what’s wrong with her, but she’s really sick. And they’ve yet to figure out what’s wrong with her, and we need to know. If they don’t give us disability I have no idea what we’re going to do because it’s not like we’ve gotten section eight yet.

Anyways, on a happier note, I took a picture on my way to school from the bus. Hope you enjoy my random photography.  More to come…

Quick And Painless.

So it’s come to my attention that I have absolutely no pictures of anything on here. How terribly bland and tasteless! So I do, in fact, plan on sprinkling this blog with pictures, starting with this one right here.

This is a picture I took from the inside of my prison. Isn’t it lovely? I thought so as well. I’ll be sure to start littering this depressing mess with little bits a hope. Just like what’s left of my sanity.

Is There No Mercy?

So that lovely house that was being considered, is completely not an option. Which is understandable I suppose, simply because a lot of good seeming things have happened lately that quickly turn sour. First I started my new school, which was really good at first, but quickly became sour when it became apparent that it was no specialized school, simply a higher education for just about regular students. Okay. No big deal. I like regular people. Don’t happen to be a regular person, but they’re fine I guess.

We finally got our own place! Awesome. No more shelters! Studio apartment…in a ghetto neighborhood…stove leaks gas…flat broke all the time…okay, things will be okay.

Got a boyfriend! Great! Man I am so happy! Doesn’t matter what’s going on, at least I have something! Oh…wait he’s moving. That’s cool, too. Don’t mind it. Wow! He’s leaving tomorrow?  Um…okay then. That I can handle. He might be coming back? But that’s okay! I might be getting this  awesome place! Four bedrooms! Dang! Sounds super sweet! What? It’s being foreclosed?

…

Oh.

…Oh…

……..Oh…

I don’t get it? Is there no mercy? Is there no breathing room in this box I call life? Will I never find the what so many others acquire so easily? Is it too much to ask to be happy? To have one thing that I know is mine, that I know for a fact I won’t lose. Because at this point in time I’m losing everything all over again.

There was a chance I’d get one thing back, but when I go to bed tonight, I’ll wake up tomorrow and feel nothing. Because only in my dreams can I truly numb myself from harsh reality, the reality that just when I thought I had it all, I’m about to lose it all over again.

And you know, it’s not the move that kills me, it’s the fact that I’ve virtually lost all hope. And I’m not sure when it will return. I mean on a totally unrelated note, why does this boy who told my best friend he loved her then cheated on her, broke up with her, made out with his EX again, felt no remorse, then said every little thing to break her down at her lowest points. He broke her heart five times. And the ending result? He gets her back! She’s a wonderful girl, but it’s perfectly unfair to all three of us. It’s unfair to him, because he deserves to be chopped into itty bitty pieces to mirror the damage he did to her heart. Unfair to her, because she deserves better. And finally, unfair to me, because why does the cheating, lying, pig get the girl, and the honest, loving, man, nearly loose his? Why does my boyfriend get shipped to the other side of the universe? Why do I end up being the only girl on campus who doesn’t get to enjoy the best parts of high school?

Why do I get the short end of every. Single. Fucking. Stick. In my life. Why don’t I get to enjoy just one thing for as long as I, not anyone one else, choose? Why do I have to live in poverty, why do I have to get harassed at school, why must I have my boyfriend move away, why must I have the best friend who picks the boy over the girl whose stuck by you?

Why do I always lose? And the ultimate question at hand…will it always be like this?

They say money doesn’t by happiness, but right now money monopolizes my whole living stature. And sometimes, death seems like a pretty, pretty escape. But that would be cheating, that would be selfish. Then again, a lot of my thoughts are selfish. And I’m to much of a wimp to pull the trigger.

So…I’m like a prisoner to my own never-ending nightmare.

Did I mention that my grandma is also very, very sick?

The Beginning?

So what seemed like a bleak, dark, abysmal future might hold something bright? Mommy heard news from her ‘frenemy’ who has a friend who has a four bedroom house that could potentially be ours for six months. Four bedrooms! That’s a lot more than one room for the two of us to share! The only problem is we have no idea how we’re going to furnish it. It’s not like we had a significant income, unless like the state of California you consider $500 enough for two people to live on, then of course we do. I mean…the more I think about it, the more unhappy I feel because it’s not like we have anything.

We’ve been living in this little studio apartment for almost six month and the only thing we’ve acquired is a futon. I told mommy she can have it in her room if we do in fact get this house. And I pray we do, because if we do this means if my boyfriend moved back we could live in the same town again. That would be wonderful. But I’m not getting my hopes up to high, because it wouldn’t be the first time an idea got me really hyped up only to get shot down, which, to be honest, is exactly what I suppose will happen.

I really can’t explain to you the kind of fear I’m put through constantly. It’s not the fear of dying, though that is a small voice whining in the back of my head, it’s the fear of being put in another situation that you know will be less comfortable than the one you’re in. I’m lucky to have a home, this I know, but I’m so afraid that  we’ll be thrust out of here, for some unknown reason, or we will end up just up and leaving all over again…there’s just some much that could go wrong. I feel like someone has just set one thousand pounds, more, on my shoulders. I know I don’t have nothing…I just don’t see how it’s to much to ask for a little bit more.

On the other hand, this could be just the break I’ve been waiting for! This could really be the beginning. Or…the beginning of the end.

Anything To Smile Again

For someone my age I am very mature. Far to young for my level of maturity. I have a friend who once commented on how much he hated how much of a realist I am. He said I was always crushing his unrealistic dreams, and not giving him the lies he craved when coming to me for advice. I mean I have a conversation when someone farther down this road we call life, like this guy known as GoodDump on twitter and has a blog, hopefully shows up in Trackbacks, and completely understand, and sometimes even relate to the things he posts. Sometimes being the key word here. He, of course has had more experiences in life to write about. But I do agree with what he has to say, if you really think about it.

On a different note, the boy I’ve been with for a few months moved, in the midst of us getting serious. Though we plan to continue our relationship, it’s still be rather hard with him having been away for such a long time. I know this is selfish, but it doesn’t help that my best friend is back with her ex, that cheated on her, and broke her heart approximatly 5 times. So why in the world should he get to be happy with the girl whose heart he broke, multipul times, when I don’t get to be happy with the boy I stayed faithful to even in the face of my ex, who I, still had feelings for somewhat. It’s fuckin’ ridiculous. Though I’m happy she’s happy.

So it leaves to question…what the hell? Does god…hate me or something? I’m sure what we have is love, but now he’s moved away. I mean, don’t get me wrong, we’re still together, but…it’s terrible being away from him. Before even when I was with him during the day, at school, I would miss him, while we were still together, because we could only be together for small increments of time. But now he’s gone…like gone, gone. Now I’m sure this is all sickly sweet, and makes you want to just about gag, but I just want to get across the point that his moving was a terrible loss.

Of course that isn’t my only issue, now that he’s gone,  I don’t have anyone to protect me from the two girls who suddenly have come out of the woodwork to fight me. Two of which I truly do not want to fight. Not even a little. One I could probably kick her ass, but the second one I probably couldn’t take down as easily. Not only that but thanks to my previous school’s messed up curriculum, I failed the class. Even though I totally understood all the work. It was a test everyday, and a master test at the end of each week. It was 90 minute classes, for a handful of students who didn’t even care what the teacher had to say. It was an absolutely terrible learning environment. So now I have to take an online course, after school, to catch up on my credits. Joy.

With that said, it probably lowers my chances to get into USC, which is the college I for sure want to go to. Need less to say I’m under not only large amounts of stress, but also have to fend off what would commonly be known as ‘ghetto bitches’. Let me repeat that phrase, Joy.

I’ve just been terribly depressed this week, and it seems like I can’t get a break. I mean…what am I suppose to do without my main line of support. I miss him so much it hurts, and I can’t help but long for the feeling of knowing that I’m safe. When I was with him I knew for a fact no body would try to get in my face. And I’m trying not to cry as much anymore, and I’m trying to be happy, even if it’s a forced happiness sometime, but it’s so very difficult when every little thing to beat me down has come around. Only thing that’s yet to happen, thank god, is I’ve yet to lose my friends. And they’ve been nothing but supportive through this. I don’t take any of them for granted, I just wish I had more to offer them at times.

They say it has to get worst before it gets better, but I keep hitting rock bottom, and as I’m climbing up am promptly kicked to the bottom again. So when will I find myself out of this damn hole?

Sick With Ambition

Mommy’s sick. Sickening-ly sick. Well…she doesn’t have cancer, or any other life threatening disease. So she’s not dead, nor dying, that’s a good, good thing! But she might have MS, something’s wrong with her brain that’s messing with her balance, and she might have a heart condition. So…her health is suffering the most from all this stress. But she’s not doing to well. She actually found a doctor that’s trying to figure out what’s wrong! So that’s also really good! She’s just not well…

On the bright side, my friend said he could probably help us! Which is good. I’m hoping we might be able to get something going, cause to be quite frank, I’m terribly depressed. I’m sure I’m doing a lot better than my mom, but I’ve been sinking. My boat is defiantly not staying afloat. It’s sinking quick. And it seems that all the social support in the world isn’t enough to block out the haters. Even when you’re a well liked person, there are always people who find anything to not like about you. And you know, usually I could care less what they have to say, but even the smallest rude gesture may or may not put me off all day.

I can’t think straight. All my thoughts are a mess. My sight is blurred so much that I can’t hear. Right is wrong, wrong is right,  at least for now, anything to take my mind off the current state. Even if I fall, as long as I’m still within grace’s embrace I should be fine, right? I don’t know…I don’t know anything anymore. I’m so sick of complaining, and having no one to complain to. I’m so sick and feeling tied down, getting my hopes up just to have them crushed, strangled and force-fed all of the heart retching truths that is my life. I’m just so stressed out all of the sudden.

And it’s not that no one cares, cause I know they do, I mean…people care! I have people I love, people who love me, but I’m such a mess. My ambitions are cracking, my dreams are dying, my hope is withering away…

I just want one person to come into my life that won’t leave me guessing, and will give me all the support I need, all the stability I need, everything I need.

Not to say I may or may not have someone who could fill the position, but it’s  never for sure. I’m happy a good 63% of the time. The other 38%…ehh.

Perhaps alternate life me is very happy, laying in her own bed right now, watching her own TV…because a futon isn’t as comfortable with a second person on it, ten pounds heavier with the stress these people carry on their shoulders.

I think it may come off that I’m not thankful for what I’ve got, but I am…I just don’t see why it’s to much to ask for just a tad more. Just enough to be comfortable…

We Don’t Need To Do That Terribly Often

If someone were to ask you  ‘How are you’, of course you would say ‘Good.’ Even if you weren’t. This is, of course, if you didn’t want to tell them what was going on. I mean, it really depends on whether you know them or not. If you happen upon someone in the street who asks you how you are, you aren’t going to stop and reply “Oh just terrible. I’m still so young and already going through an identity crisis. I can’t seem to be satisfied with anything in my life because it seems I have no room to enjoy them. My family is slowly falling apart, more financially than economically, and at the end of the day I curl up of next to a window of a tore up apartment, praying one day I’ll resume sleeping in a bed of my own.”, especially if you’re in a hurry. A simple “I’m good.” would suffice the question.

Where am I going with all of this? I’m not sure. But I felt is was a strong way to pick up where I left off. The problem is, since my last entry, things haven’t exactly gotten better. I stopped updating because, let’s be honest, no one reads. But even if this is simply a personal journal, then I guess I’m okay with that. Because I’m just done trying. Chances are I won’t get anything easy in my life. For the rest of my life I’ll have to work, like a dog, just to achieve any sort of comfortably. And I have to figure out, right now, what I want to do with the rest of my life. If you asked me, just last month, what career I wanted, I’d hold my head high and be able to tell you exactly what the plan. I could tell you what the next ten years of my life would probably look like. But now, I can even tell you what the next ten weeks of my life will look like.

To be quite frank, I’m completely dissatisfied with my whole life. Every single shed of it. Leaving out of course the boy in my life. But even he comes with trails. Everything that is good in my life, has something to make it difficult. It all comes with a fight. But is that life? All of the things you enjoy bringing you great despair as well? Not one thing to call your own? Not one thing that you can just enjoy? I mean, I consider myself a good person. Or at least the people around me do, so why can’t I have one thing I good at, one thing that brings me fortune?

I really just want to be happy. And through everything I am. I smile, genuinely, everyday. I generally a happy person, I am nice and polite to every person I encounter. Or at least 95% of the people I encounter. The people who give me weird looks on the streets don’t exactly get the benefit of the doubt. I mean, I should have terrific karma I suppose. But instead, I live in this shitty apartment. My mom has no propect of a job. I always have a dollar in my wallet, but that’s from odd favors around school. My mom’s health is quickly deteriorating, my relationship is perhaps in danger of the wedge distance may bring, no hopes for the future, nothing is certain, and all the people around me are moving forward without having much more then god givin talent. And good things just fall in their hands.

Me on the other hand, get shit. I hate to say it, but I get shit, and I hate it. I hate it, I hate it! I’m just so sick of getting the short end of the stick. Getting the slap in the face. Getting turned away, dropped, nearly forgotten. I just get to suffocate, drownd in the misery that threatens to devour me whole. Sometimes I just don’t even want to wake up in the morning. What’s the use. I don’t know how long it’ll be before rolling with the punches just won’t be enough-

I think the one thing now-a-days that keeps me needing to get out of bed is the thought that maybe someday, I be able to be payed back. My friend said that I may not be good at any one thing in particular, but I inspire change. If I inspire change…and save lives…why can’t I get one pure gold thing? One thing I can ride to success. Something that I can do every day that will make me happy. If you think I enjoy complaining, you are seriously mistaken. But in this time of woe and misery, I just want to close my eyes and remember that i have one worry free thing in my life. That can’t walk away, or be forced away.

In the end, I just want to know that my love for people, the love I give, will in turn pay me back. I don’t want the people I love to go no where, I just want to go with them, using my own talents. That’s not to much to ask for is it? Maybe it is…